Sunday, September 14, 2008

Trying to get things straight.

I haven't posted in my blog for quite some time. I figured there was nothing really important to say since I spend my time commenting on low carb friends. Over the past year, I tried many different ways of combating my eating disorder. I am so tired of looking for new tricks to help me control my binge episodes. Support helps in some ways, yet, at night I look in the mirror when I remove my clothes and don't really like what I see. My stomach bulges. There are lumps and bumps in places. I work out like a fiend and tempted to buy the next latest fat burner. Which by the way leave you dizzy and $50 poorer.

I lost 50lbs. and it has been hell trying to maintain the loss. I go up and down on the scale so often I had to place it in the closet. Recently, I placed myself on a calorie restricted diet known as CRON - Calorie Restriction with Optimal Nutrition. Low-carb simply does not work for me. I'm not a big red meat eater and I love my vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, and whole grains. I actually eat all day long but my portions are considerably smaller. I avoid simple carbs and sugar. I limit my dairy intake to 4oz. a day. I am slowly starting to feel better on the inside. Yet, I look in the mirror and my mind and body aren't in harmony with each other.

One thing I don't like is seeing my ex-trainer at my new gym on Friday afternoons. This Friday, he finally noticed me and I was in utter panic! I feel as though he is judging me in the same way I told him about my eating disorder a couple of months prior. He brushed it off and thought it was nonsense. I felt as though the wind got knocked out of me when he said he was disappointed in my appearance. I think my abdomen was bloated because of the menu I was given while in Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. I had tried so hard and yet it wasn't good enough. I stopped going to my other gym to avoid bumping into him. I can't escape him!

Maybe its other issues going on. Needing control in my life when the other parts are totally chaotic. I want to do so much. What is holding me back?