Sunday, September 14, 2008

Trying to get things straight.

I haven't posted in my blog for quite some time. I figured there was nothing really important to say since I spend my time commenting on low carb friends. Over the past year, I tried many different ways of combating my eating disorder. I am so tired of looking for new tricks to help me control my binge episodes. Support helps in some ways, yet, at night I look in the mirror when I remove my clothes and don't really like what I see. My stomach bulges. There are lumps and bumps in places. I work out like a fiend and tempted to buy the next latest fat burner. Which by the way leave you dizzy and $50 poorer.

I lost 50lbs. and it has been hell trying to maintain the loss. I go up and down on the scale so often I had to place it in the closet. Recently, I placed myself on a calorie restricted diet known as CRON - Calorie Restriction with Optimal Nutrition. Low-carb simply does not work for me. I'm not a big red meat eater and I love my vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, and whole grains. I actually eat all day long but my portions are considerably smaller. I avoid simple carbs and sugar. I limit my dairy intake to 4oz. a day. I am slowly starting to feel better on the inside. Yet, I look in the mirror and my mind and body aren't in harmony with each other.

One thing I don't like is seeing my ex-trainer at my new gym on Friday afternoons. This Friday, he finally noticed me and I was in utter panic! I feel as though he is judging me in the same way I told him about my eating disorder a couple of months prior. He brushed it off and thought it was nonsense. I felt as though the wind got knocked out of me when he said he was disappointed in my appearance. I think my abdomen was bloated because of the menu I was given while in Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. I had tried so hard and yet it wasn't good enough. I stopped going to my other gym to avoid bumping into him. I can't escape him!

Maybe its other issues going on. Needing control in my life when the other parts are totally chaotic. I want to do so much. What is holding me back?


Mayberryfan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mayberryfan said...

Hey Lora,

I think I have some idea of what you're going through. It's hard sometimes not to feel judged by others, even when you know you're doing the best that you can. Is it possible that you're being too hard on yourself?? Your pictures look great! Those of us who LC or restrict our diets will always feel judged by those who don't, or by those who can seemingly eat anything and get by with it. Just remember, if you know in your heart you're doing the best you can do, cut yourself some slack and try not to worry what others think. Unless you can read your ex-trainer's mind, you could be wrong about what you think he thinks. :P

MrsMenopausal said...

What others think of you is none of your business.
I love that saying. :)
Honestly, live your life for you and not according to what you think others would want or think of you. Don't worry about that stuff. If you're alright with you (yourself, your efforts, etc) then that's what truly matters. I can assure you that those you're letting weigh so heavily on you mind are not going through their days making decisions or feeling certain ways about themselves based on what they suspect you may be thinking of them.
Be good to yourself. Have confidence in WHO you are. Try not to rely on the opinions of too many others. Don't sum yourself up by perceived physical imperfections. Who you are has nothing to do with any of that.
A good idea is to give yourself the same kindness, advice, and understanding you would a friend if they were in your situation/feeling like you are.

Anonymous said...

your post on trying KK for a about a week and then the post on trying to get things straight, was very touching and realistic. Thank you for sharing your heart with the readers .... Please know that you are not alone in your journey and that you have sisters out here who walk the walk right with you. I am glad you keep on pressing forward in the healthy direction and wish you nothing but the best sincerely. There are also a lot of experienced and supportive people at LCF as well, with good advice. I know you don't know me, I just wanted to try to encourage you for real.
from campcarbaway

It dosent matter from whence we come from.... please know that you are not alone and people really do care sincerely.
sorry for the long post.. I tend to write a lot :)